(been trying to post this that last couple of days and diaryland has been busy... blah. so instead of violently spewing expletives at the screen i decided to just type it out on wordpad)

the dirt mall for records, movie, macados, and then he wants to see the house... jon's home? should I? It's my apartment, right? Just another guy friend coming over.. nothing unusual there...really wasn't thinking about things getting hot... which is why i wasn't nervous... and so when he crawled under the blankets on the futon he was welcome... that and he's yummy..

so i get up to use the bathroom, when i come back he wraps his arms around one thigh and settles himself against my breasts... his hand move slowly, kneeding the muscles, sliding up and around my curvy bottom and legs.. he works his magic on me in a weave of euphoria... i get hooked in... he reaches up for a kiss... and there is moment where kisses mesh and you feel out the other person... how the kisses work together, and you either match or you don't... we kiss like a dream.. and we mad eout for hours... clothes on, hands searching, pulling, reaching... but the major buttons off limits... jon's in the house... i will not make him listen to me having the best sex of my life... that and i don't want to have that conversation and jon can read me... so there's no hiding it... he doesn't have the right to know, but he has my love and respect and so my mercy...

so loki taps something in me... he captured my mind... and brought out my claws... a primal connection is what has been lacking in my life... and so what if it's just sex...

even though it's not sex... we make out for a couple hours.. and apologetically i seperate my limbs and shake off the drug of him... so we smoke and are curled around each other... he tells me that was the most erotic thing he has ever done... um, really?? so i don't really believe him... compliments usually go that way with me... but i know i woke up sore and strechy like a cat who has played too hard...

yum

so the next couple of days after we see each other at work... i leave a chap stick kiss on his window.. he comes in a couple minutes early so i don't have to leave immediately... but you know, things are normal.. we bounce off each other like we usually do... my little black raincloud : ) my loki

so tonight i was wondering if i should call him... this is not a thing, i'm thinking... i'm not supposed to think about him, really... we are not going to end up dating... this is about sex and friendship...

and he calls me.. asks me to come out to macados... and when i call myseld lazy and sleepy... he says sunday.. sunday is his birthday... now my pessimist says, he's just lonely and i'm the one he can call to spend time with... but.. he did call...

so who knows...

i know i don't want a relationship... i know i don't want a commitment... but i'm not comfortable fucking someone who will fuck other people... it's unsafe.. and i need some sense of worth in the situation... if you want me, you want me... but if you just want someone to fuck, forget it... i can make myself come faster and better than any guy... so... how does this go?

i suppose only time will tell...

way off that subject, or maybe not, as pottery is a new thing in my life...

pottery is incredible... soothing, calming, confidence building, creative... it's a little zen dealing with a piece that can be changed and fucked up so quickly you don't even see it happening...

but it's good... and i have a feel for it.. picked it up fast..

and i am thoroughly enjoying it..

so those are the new currents shiftly in my life... and i'm just bopping along, enjoying things and trying to be and see positively...

live.. that's the only point..