but...

what i really have in my head is loki. loki is loki and i can't read him. he said carelessly that he often gets what he wants and so i know what he wants is not me, he's not trying. how does a guy deal with it if you don't invite him back after a long languishing satisfying roll around your apartment? i guess i just another validation. i want him to sneak peeks and make secretive smiles. it comes down to me wanting him to want me. primal, is that so hard for a girl to find? ripping, tearing, possessive hands, hard hot sweaty sex. this should not be a chore.

and in a small voice in the very back of my noggin a little voice whispers, "what's wrong with me?"

no wonder people have issues with their bodies, complexes about sex, secrets and masks. everyone postering as self preservation.

he calls me. i call him. we take breaks together. people talk. we're friends. but we're work friends mostly. i don't do the beer guzzling scene and he doesn't smoke. two worlds. a spoiled rich boy and a earthy hippy. all i ask for is the lust and the friendship. and apparently our night of fun wasn't worth inquiring about again. meh.

i hate feeling like that.

but then aren't i the chicken for not talking to him about it. not asking.

i suppose really, i have other things on my mind besides sex. but i keep picturing him in front of my fireplace..

nice picture. growls