got a new cam in the mail today. someone was tired of seeing me through an impressionist painting. should probably update the cam pic, heh. it makes me want to dance around in front of it, fucking self-critical narcissist that i am.

went to see the big lebowski at the theater this weekend. midnight movie with raucous crowd and drunken stumbling. enjoyable to top the evening at the bookstore with a group of friends, loki even showed.. though he came with friends and not me, called to let me know he was coming.. hmm. hilarious movie, love jeff bridges.. fun.

the apartment looms, not looms in a bad way, more like i can't get it out of my mind i'm so excited. i have fantasies about cooking and a bottle of wine.. dusk and i'm sitting on my little old-window enclosed back balcony.. there are plants, actually living green plants that i haven't killed. and russia.. the princess padding around on railings and windows. a load of candles in fireplace. and portishead.. snickers... and rammstein...maybe

i can't wait.

but i'm not packing. this is going to hurt. this dividing up of stuff.. the silences are getting longer, not harder.. but i feel heavier. he is so much a part of me. and i'm feeling that now. i don't want to go back, but the pain is settling in. here i thought i had weathered this already, grieved before hand. silly girl. what do you know. all that analyzing and it was still just gut feeling you were going on. still are.

jazzman asked me out today at work. regular customer, always polite.. we've talked a couple of times. always in a button up shirt, tie, slacks, nice polshed shoes... not sure how old he is, 40.. chuckles maybe? asked if i was seeing anyone.. liked walks, hiking, fishing.. those were my interest points at least.so i said what the hell..

my next thought after giving him my number was of ravens diary entry mentioning a term i had never heard but struck a chord in me.

honey hawk:

the older, dark-eyed male at the end of the bar or at the corner table of the cafe, the one who attracts young and adventurous and haunted girls, girls who carry around arcane books or much-used sketchbooks in their backpacks. The honey hawk offers them Experiences; they offer youth and energy and adoration."

i know that definition.

off subject. gotta meet metalshirtguy for a walk. exercise. i need it.