last night was really cool, after the early evening bout with phonetag... Y finally showed up to find me neeping on the ottoman and in much need of adventuring... so we hit sheetz for food and head off to random warehouse apt. in the railroad district of the city... wild place... steeped with possibilities, rather tempted to try warehouse living myself.. listened to them jam a bit, double bass thrumming in my chest, just a bit primal.. wondered up into another warehouse apt. really dark shadows, knooks, crannies, and encounters with masked psychos loomed in my imagination... i swung this huge window open and perched out on the sill, feet dangling, rain spattering my face... smoked a bit, laughed, beautiful night with lights glancing off rain soaked windows and roofs, contrasting with the inky night and winter silouettes... more jamming, more smoking... 4:20 Y and I roll home, silly and sleepy... we hang, listening to music and talking... he heads home..

i can't fucking read him...

and what's worse is that i don't know if i want to... this is fun... friends unless one of us push it...

i should just let nature take it's course... have fun, seek adventure, be open to unusual occurrences...

i need a big city..

i need to be free...

i need to not think all the time...

i need to feel...

the rest of the world is not passing me by....

i want to dance obscurely into the wee hours of the morning...

i want to feel...

i want something to make me feel...

a visceral experience... something raw... pure... true...

there are always contingencies, obstacles, repercutions... we are all so afraid of each other, we constantly hurt each other... dig that stick into the grey matter of ones vulnerabilities...

today was one of those days that fills my mind with nostalgia... balmy, rainy, sunny, clouds piled on top of clouds in greys through white... storm weather... air filled with something, expectation... something that plays at the tip of your mind... the edge of your skin... and i'm always disappointed... nothing ever happens... in the end i just end up going home to masterbate myself into releasing the energy.. smirk it's gotta go somewhere..

anyway, find myself getting lost in Massive Attack...

dream.