had a bad day at work yesterday, had to work for the frenchman last night, no downtime... my appeal for grounding went out in the form of a text message... Y calls back and offers his company in the wee hours of the morning, per usual...

he walks in and immediately my sets off my pain radar.. i can feel it reverberating through me, a thrum I can almost not ignore...

turns out he has had a much worse day, week, month? and he opens up and rants, vents... he says he needs something, before this breaks him open.. before he puts his head through something or knocks on someones door in the middle of the night to pick a fight...

and i'm stuck there, in my chair, this pain and rage thrumming through me... and i think, this would be the moment... "take it out on me" i could have said, moving over to him and straddling one leg over each of his, to settle in his lap... but i am frozen.. i ache to wrap him in the comfort he so badly needs... and i let him leave instead...

bah. meh. fuck.

i am such a pussy.

the more depth i find in him, the more frozen i become... because the more attracted i become... and the more confusing the signs become... and so he goes home to hide in his warm dark place.

fuck
fuck
fuck

meh. off to shower, lunch with Jon, and then work....

dream.