he's just left... off with jazznote heading downtown and then home... iza, ladybug and I had rescued him from being stranded alone in the snow last night, instead being stranded at my house.. to be repaid by rescuing me tomorrow... car is on the fritz.. meh.. short story, spillage of vulgarities, and me hitting the side of a building... so I'll be in need of a ride to straighten this out... i hate having to depend on anyone... hate, hate, hate it...

i suppose it serves me right to have a fuck you from life pop me in the jaw... a reminder that I have to be an adult and responsible, that if i close my eyes and don't pay attention i'll fuck up... that i can't coast through in a haze of incense, music, smoke, and bodyheat.. that i have to pay attention to the mundane...

i still don't really know where i stand with Y.. i guess a part of me would like him to declare something... but he's been far more open mouthed on the subject than i have... not really told me anything, but filled in the blanks that needed to be at each moment almost like he sensed a bit of my frustration... heard me mentally muttering like a gremlin or something.. that made sense to me, i assure you :) i don't need anything pinned down... i want to be able to reach for him and know its ok...

curled up in the floating bed, finding he had doft his boxers in the night making me smile... morning tumble, snuggles, more naked shananigans, cigarettes, washed eachothers back, french toast, coffee, green tea, musou.... not snowed in despite the hyped-up weather report, but we pretended to be...

i can't see where we will part, or how it will happen.... you never know who will be the one to keep in touch despite distance or schedule...he is a musician and is wanting to be on tour and i'm tinkering with the idea of FullSail, which would mean Florida... but i will remember the winter with Y, "falling from nothing music"...

dream.