had a conversation with Jon the other day... he's leaving me.. we are not friends at the moment, he pointed out that i don't seem to have anything to give as a friend... at least with him.. he's right. i don't. we're still tied up in his conflicting emotions over the breakup.. and he needs more than i will give.. i can't be his should to cry on. he can't talk logically to me.. and so we said goodbye for now. i can call him if i need help... but other than that, we are done. weird. depressing. but in my mind logical... that makes it incredibly weird.

spent the last couple days with Y exclusively... another weird. he hasn't slept at his house since last wednesday night, and i'm not even sure if he didn't stay the night...

he left a couple hours ago because he procrastinated leaving for a couple days... and i'm without a car... he needed a shower, shave, clothes, etc to feel human again... weird. he is a walking contradiction and i can't get a beed on it. cracks himself open for me, spilling pain and anger, warning about how messed up he is... cracking me open about what we are doing.. dropping his barriers of intimacy... only to throw them back up. my patience wears a little... but i enjoy him, so at the moment, i have no choice... i don't want to change him... i want him to trust me, that is the higher priority.. that and having fun... if we aren't having fun, than this is all a dream.

we'll see...

have no plans for the day... letting the universe make it's mind up what today will be like... in rebellion to the creaking in my bones, i have pulled on my thigh highs, red and black stripped... my black tutu skirt... and pig tails... and a dog collar... the perpetual schoolgirl... i've grown out of the behaviours, but not the bliss of innocence... despite knowing better...

must forage for food before the company comes...

dream.